Cynical.. to the MAX

A Cynic's Point of View on: "43 things girls wish their boyfriends knew"

#1 When you break her heart, the pain never really goes away.
Not really. The pain does go away. We just find another guy.

#2 When she misses you, she's hurting inside.
When I miss someone I miss them. I don’t have racking pain in my body over it.

#3 When she says it's over, she still wants you to be hers.
BULLSHIT. When I say its over, I fucking mean it.

#4 When she walks away from you mad, follow her.
When I am pissed off, you better not come after me. I might have a sharp object. Or a pistol. Or a shovel.

#5 When she stares at your mouth, kiss her.
I hate the phrase "kiss her". If I want to be kissed, I will ask to be kissed, or make the first move. I am not going to sit there for an hour staring at your mouth until you get it.

#6 When she pushes or hits you, grab her tight and don't let her go.
If I am hitting or pushing you, OBVIOUSLY I don’t want you to touch me.

#7 When she starts cursing at you, kiss her and tell her you love her.
If I am cursing at you, you will most likely be cursing back.

#8 When she ignores you, give her your attention.
Okay.. When she ignores you, LEAVE HER ALONE.

#9 When she pulls away, pull her back.
Don’t pull me back when I pull away unless you want a hand print across your face.

#10 When you see her at her worst, tell her she's beautiful. When a girl says she's ugly, then she wants your to say she’s beautiful or pretty.
I sure hope to god my self esteem isn’t that low that I need you to say it all the time. Sure, its wonderful to hear, but I am not going to let some stupid bitch make me feel bad.

#11 When you see her crying, just hold her and don't say a word.
Okay.. I think I actually agree.

#12 When you see her walking, sneak up and hug her waist from behind.
Do you like scaring the shit out of people?

#13 When she's scared, protect her.
When I am scared, there is probably a damn good reason for me to feel that way, so YOU will probably need protection too.

#14 When she lays her head on your shoulder, tilt her head up and kiss her.
No, she is probably tired from watching you play video games all day. Let the poor girl sleep.

#15 When she steals your favorite jacket, let her keep it and sleep with it for a night.
Ok, do you want pneumonia? I didn’t think so.

#16 When she teases you, tease her back and make her laugh.
Seriously, what kind of stupid tips are these?

#17 When she doesn't answer for a long time, reassure her that everything is okay.
If she doesn’t answer for a long time, she is probably contemplating the best way to get the f*ck away from you.

#18 When she looks at you with doubt, back yourself up with the truth.
Why am I looking at you with doubt in the first place? What did you do this time?

#19 When she says that she likes you, she really does more than you could understand.
Not true. When I say I like a guy, its not like I am committing myself to a monogamous 60 year relationship here. I probably just think his butt looks cute in a certain pair of jeans...

#20 When she grabs your hands, hold hers and play with her fingers.
Not.. really.. possible. And there must be some reason I grabbed your hands.. maybe I was pulling them away from my backside.

#21 When she bumps into you, bump into her back and make her laugh.
What is the point of this again? Almost everything here is about 'making her laugh'.. I am not a hyena. I don’t laugh all the damn time. Get a grip.

#22 When she tells you a secret, keep it safe and untold.
No shit, Sherlock.

#23 When she looks at you in your eyes, don’t look away until she does.
Don’t you think that’s just a little AKWARD?!?

#24 Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything.
Why waste my minutes not saying anything...

#25 Don't let her have the last word.
Actually, you should let her have the last word... when you don’t it kind of pisses her off.

#26 Don't call her hot, gorgeous or beautiful is so much better.
Yeah.. well... threes that whole.. "beautiful soul" thing. Okay, douche bag.

#27 Say you love her more than she could ever love you.
What are you, 14? It 'ain’t love honey. Its what they call lust.

#28 Argue that she is the best girl ever.
Eh... I guess this could work. However, girls don’t have inflatable ego's like guys do.. so I dunno.

#29 When she's mad, hug her tight and don't let go.
When she's mad you better stay away unless you want to get sucker punched in the jaw.

#30 When she says she's OK, don’t believe it, talk to her about it, because 10 yrs later she'll still remember it.
Uhhh.. I don’t remember what I did YESTERDAY, I highly doubt that I will remember some stupid thing 10 years ago.

#31 Call her at 12:00am on special occasions to tell her you love her.
I really don’t want to wake up to my phone ringing just so someone can tell me "happy flag day!"

#32 Call her before you sleep and after you wake up.
Codependent much..

#33 Treat her like she's all that matters to you.
Yeah, that means putting the damn Xbox AWAY.

#34 Don't ignore her when she's out with you and your friends.
Are you competing to be the next captain obvious? you are well on your way in that case..

#35 Stay up all night with her when she's sick.
If she is SICK, she probably needs to get SLEEP.

#36 Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.
..and what about all the things a chick does for a guy, but she thinks its stupid?! Like.. video games, and football...

#37 Let her into your world.
Is this some sort of psycho babble 'let her into your mind' crap? 'Cause if you are as HALF as twisted as I am, I really don’t want to know what’s in there.

#38 Let her wear your clothes.
Do you want to borrow my skinny jeans then? It seems like most guys are wearing them these days anyway..

#39 When she's bored and sad, hang out with her
When she's bored or sad... you make it seem like girls cant entertain themselves without a guy. Jesus, what happened to the feminist movement..

#40 Let her know she's important.
Gee wiz! Thanks mister! Riiight.. if I am depressed enough to need reassurance 24/7, it sounds like you need to either A. Get me to therapy or B. Get the fuck outta there.

#41 Kiss her in the pouring rain.
Why would I want to stand out in a downpour just to kiss you? Does it look like I want pneumonia? I DON'T THINK SO.

#42 When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is; "Who's ass am I kicking today baby?"
AHAHAHA.. AHAHA... AH. HAHA. Seriously, is this a joke?

#43 After she reads this, she hopes one day you'd read it too.
It would obviously give some of you some good insight..

I finally did it. I finally lost my mind. AND THEY WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT! How cool..

"Remember when you ran away and I got on my knees and begged you not to leave because I'd go berserk?
Well, you left me anyhow and the days got worse and worse and now you see I've gone completely out of my mind.

And They're coming to take me away Ha Ha
They're coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha
to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time, and I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats
and they're coming to take me away ha ha

You thought it was joke and so you laughed, you laughed when I had said that losing you would make me flip my lid, right? You know you laughed, I heard you laugh, you laughed, you laughed and laughed and then you left, but now you know I'm utterly mad.

And they're coming to take me away Ha Ha
They're coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha
To the happy home with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes
They're coming to take me away ha ha...

I cooked your food, I cleaned your house, and this is how you paid me back for all my kind unselfish loving deeds. Huh? Well you just wait they'll find you yet, and when they do they'll put you in the ASPCA you mangy mutt.

And They're coming to take me away Ha Ha
They're coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha
To the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy to see those nice men in their clean white coats
They're coming to take me away Ha Ha
To the happy home with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle thier thumbs and toes
They're coming to take me away Ha Ha Ha

Your home the one the bank foreclosed, You cried to me Monogamy is the way we both must live or you'll feel hurt. But, I see, I see there's someone new, your anxious poly-pure-bred coat was even gone at our place while I paid the rent, thanks!

And They're coming to take me away Ha Ha
They're coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha
To the loony bin with all you can eat prescription drugs like Thorazine, and lithium, and electric shock and insulin
They're coming to take me away Ha Ha..." -Lard : They're Coming To Take Me Away (From Dr.Demeto)

Enough Said.

Severely unhinged...

I sit here on the floor of my apartment, my lap top conveniently situated.. in my lap Where else? My music streams through my ear buds and into my ears, trying to drown out the dull thudding of the rap music from next door.
Its strange. Usually, I don't hold things against people. I don't judge a person before I know their story, but i find myself seething with hatred of my new neighbors. Not to say they are bad people, in fact, I dont even know them, but their choice has sealed their fate. They have rap music blaring louder than I can stand, the bass rumbling the walls of my tiny apartment. It has been going on all day, and I am at my wits end. The continuous beat of the music grates against my nerves like sandpaper.
It began around 6pm when I was making boxed macaroni-n-cheese. I didn't really notice it at first, but after a few moments, it began to irritate and annoy me. Over and over. Thud Thud Thud. Usually I sit at my table and eat in peace, with a book, or an essay I am working on. Instead I found myself standing at the kitchen counter with a fork, picking at the noodles. It didn't even taste good due to the annoying rumble in the background.
I cleaned up my dinner, sealing most of the macaroni in a plastic container and throwing it haphazardly in my fridge. I wasn't hungry anymore. I decided to get my i-pod and see if I could drown it out. I turned up the volume as loud as I could stand, and yet still! Thud. Thud. Thud. The base rumble continued.
I leaned against the wall of my apartment and tried to calm myself down. After all, it couldn't last all night right? How wrong I was.
After a few moments of suffering against the wall I decided to be proactive. I was positive that a hot shower would help calm my nerves, and walking into the bathroom, I was almost blasted off my feet by the bass rumbling. The mirror above my sink was shaking. "UGH!" I screamed.
I think thats when part of me snapped. In fact, I think that's when all of me snapped.
"Two can play at this game you ignorant fuckers..." I muttered. That's when I walked over to my laptop, and turned on Muse, blaring it as loud as it would go. Standing next to it, the sound actually hurt my ears. My lap top may be small.. but it was LOUD.
I giggled like a maniac and sat down to enjoy my favorite band, when the unthinkable happened.
They turned up the music.
I turned desperate. Not only was the bass rumbling my small apartment.. it was reverberating with it. I about pulled my hair out.
I fought the urge to scream when a lightning bolt of intuition hit me. The landlord. 10 o clock noise ordinance. I giggled and called my landlord, putting on the little girl act, saying my neighbor's music was keeping me awake.
Soon enough the only noise to be heard was the crickets outside. I sighed and said to myself.. "Noisy neighbors? Eliminated."