Unaliable Truths

Hope is a funny thing. Sometimes it eludes you… and other times it hits you with a force like a tidal wave. In the last few days I have felt both…strongly than I have in a long time, stronger than I have ever imagined. Like being whipped around in rip tide… Its strange in that sense. Like for some unknown reason I was to be challenged. Pushed to my limit. But as always it seems that my limit is just out of reach. Instead of breaking against the rocks of a craggy shore, I surface from the water. I sputter and gasp for air, knowing that each breath I take only solidifies the fact that I am alive. My breaking point was just beyond my reach, like the distant shore. I knew my struggle to reach it would only tire me and lead to my end. In my subconscious I wanted to break only to know that nothing could bother me anymore. If I was broken, nothing could hurt, there could be no pain. Then I realize that to feel is human…

Thoughts, and perceptions have been hard for me to voice lately. Like a gag is stuck in my throat, keeping me from saying what I think, and what I should. I have been unable to write as if someone had mutilated my hands so that words could no longer flow from them. But now things are slightly clearer. I can speak if only in a whisper and my hands once again have the strength to write out the simplest words. Like an inmate seeing the sunshine after incarceration I rejoice… instead of celebrating freedom however, I rejoice in my quick tongue and fluid hands. These symptoms were the result of a fear. I am still not sure what that fear exactly is, but it does not seem so crippling now.

Some people say that 18 years of a person’s life is spent, growing into the person they will be. I don’t believe that. I believe the person you will be varies from day to day, you just happen to carry along the baggage and lessons of youth, adolescence and adulthood. A person grows every second. The human mind has a capacity to learn new reactions and lessons in the time it takes to take a deep breath. Therefore, we do not only grow every second, but we also are carrying along past experiences to help us to better deal with the future. There is no growth into the person you will become. Saying “You are growing” or “You have grown” or “Such Growth” makes it seem as if there is no choice. There is always a choice. We do not grow into the person we become… we are that person every second of our lives.

For the longest time I have found it hard to be happy. Not in a sense that I was depressed, more of numb. Happiness for me is not easily achieved. Some say that laughter is the medicine of the soul. No the shallow giggles of a love struck school girl, or the barking laugh of an old man; but the eye rolling, breath taking, gut ripping, tear jerking hysterical laughter of the truly free. I experienced this last night. Laughter truly is medicine. Not only did I feel more relaxed and calm but suddenly the fear I was chained by seemed to loosen its hold around my heart. As I wiped the tears of joy away from my eyes for once, I realized that as long as I could laugh, whether AT myself, or WITH myself, It would all turn out okay.